Graveyard Smash - My Guide To Halloween Entertainment

It’s that time of the year again which gives us the excuse to turn up on the doorsteps of our neighbours houses covered in blood and force them to give us all the sweets in their possession, then egg them if all they gave you was twiglet with suspect hairs on it. If you do this kind of thing all year round then you would have a criminal record the length of the Magna Carta but on the night of October 31st it gives us the chance to dress up like a mass murderer or a ghostly ghoul and dig out the scary films to chill our friends and loved ones to the bone.

Now me, I love Halloween. It comes at a perfect time of the year. The nights have drawn in, Guy Fawlkes and fireworks are only six days away and with it being All Hallow’s Eve, the perfect opportunity to dress up, give people a fright and get covered in pumpkin juice while making Jack O’Lanterns. In previous years I have visited supposedly terrifying sights, such as haunted woods or graveyards with friends and genuinely got chills. I do suppose that the goose bumps and jitters only came on because I have ventured into such locations on the night when ghosts come alive, and also because of the amount of horror films that I have seen which have burrowed into my subconscious like an alien into a mans face and I remember certain scenes which were memorable for their frights.

My passion for horror films originates from my love of Sci-Fi since I was a boy. Yet it was truly sparked by studying horror films in Year 10 media studies classes. At the age of 14 the class I was in were asked to watch films such as A Nightmare In Elm Street and Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Rosemary’s Baby and analyze them after. While a majority of the class was watching through the cracks in between their fingers, my best friend and I loved it. The thrill of what we were watching led to sleepovers and movie marathons, most often that not the marathons were horror films. It even led to us discovering the brilliant The League of Gentleman, which is the perfect marriage of horror and comedy so it was ideal for our slightly warped pubescent minds.

Now I genuinely don’t find horror films scary. Oh sure, anything can make us jump, yet that is a natural reaction to something that has surprised us and it is a technique which is used over and over again in the horror genre. Anyone can be disgusted by an obscene amount of blood and guts flying everywhere yet the true triumphant moments in horror are those that we don’t see. In Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho we never see the knife pierce Janet Leigh’s skin. We never see Edward Woodward’s horrible death in The Wicker Man, yet the screams we hear are blood curdling. It is the psychological elements of horror films that are the most frightening, not all out gore fests like the Saw films.

Even the shocking scene in Reservoir Dogs when Mr. Blonde cuts off the bound Cops ear is a parody of the horror genre. As he jumps on his victims lap, the camera looks away like the audience does and we do not see the action. It lingers more than a man sawing his foot off since we did not actually see it, and our imaginations can create images far more terrifying than what is put on celluloid. Having said that the films, which deal with possession and everyday scenarios becoming polluted by terrible people or things, are the most terrifying. Seeing London deserted in 28 Days Later was very unsettling because none of us have ever seen it so dead. Those that are filmed like documentaries, such as video nasty Cannibal Holocaust are deeply horrific since the cinematography has been deliberately manipulated to make us think that what we are seeing is authentic.

A child being possessed by the devil deeply disturbing and one of the reasons why The Exorcist is so good because it plays with a sickening idea. Suburban settings and the everyday are far more terrifying. Having said that rather more fantastical movies, such as Night Of The Living Dead and The Thing work because they are set in modern day settings, well, modern for when they were made. The idea of zombies coming to life or a space creature from another world mutating the bodies of arctic scientists might not seem so far fetched because there is an element of familiarity in what we recognise as being apart of our 'normal' world so we are frightened by what we see.

Even films that are not really defined as horror, like Alien and Jaws have many moments that make us drop our popcorn. The claustrophobic setting and keeping the full reveal of the alien hidden in the shadows, makes for far more of a white-knuckle ride. The scene when the alien is ‘born’ out of John Hurt’s chest (look at the shock on his co-stars faces, they were not told what was about to happen so that their reactions were more genuine) although parodied mercilessly since, plays upon everyman’s fear of child birth, in almost the same way that the transformation scene in Walt Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs plays upon every woman’s fear of ageing. After the release of Jaws many a child refused to go in the sea, even their baths, just incase a hungry Great White Shark gobbled them up. These films make us face our insecurities and the result is fear.

Of course, you can’t write an article on horror without mentioning the classics. Nosferatu, the 1922 silent film that was the first cinematic take on the Dracula tale, is so eerie because of the age of the film itself. The scene when the shadow of the evil demon climbs up the stairs is the greatest moment of the Silent era and is the stuff of nightmares.

Bram Stoker’s widow nearly had the film destroyed when it infringed on copyright, so the film only exists in negatives and this makes it look even more frightening since it is so jarring. What came next were Dracula and Frankenstein, which made stars out of Bele Lugosi (who was buried in full costume and make-up as Dracula, the only time in cinematic history that an actor has requested to be buried in the guise of a part he once played) and Boris Karloff and created the most iconic of movie monsters. Without these three gems there would have been no British Hammer Horror films or any of what I just mentioned.

So, you haven’t got anything to do on October 31st? Take a look at what I recommend.



My Guide To All Things Scary


My Top Ten Horror Films For Halloween

The Omen
The Exorcist
The Evil Dead
The Wicker Man
Halloween
The Thing (1982)
Alien
Hellraiser
The Ring (Original Japanese Version)
Nosferatu


Scary Clips To Look Up On Youtube

Judderman Commercial


Nosferatu Stair climbing scene


Mary Poppins scary movie trailer


Other Media I recommend for Halloween

Batman; Arkham Asylum

My top spot for the vivid illustration and the terrifying realization of The Joker. Also, watch out for the horrifying sub plot of what caused the madness of Dr Arkham.



Mary Shelley – Frankenstein

The book that started the horror genre and even with the best efforts of the iconic Boris Karloff movie it is still more frightening in its original print form. If you can bypass the overuse of the word ‘melancholy’ then you’ll be shivering in your sleep.


German ‘Silent Night’ Commercial

Darth Vader skipping in the forest? Freddie Krueger trimming hedgerows and Hannibal Lector preparing a Sunday Roast? This genius German advert for satellite television is as funny as it is chilling. Taking a popular Christmas carol and putting it to the imagery of well known scary characters doing everyday chores makes it more sinister.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76j6NfFsPaQ

Doctor Who

It is hard to pick just one episode from a near 50-year-old programme but it has sent generations of kids to shudder from behind the sofa, it even invented that cliché. Daleks, Gas Mask Zombies, the Flesh, Weeping Angels. Take your pick.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tR0ok-BCKU

Buffy The Vampire Slayer – Hush

We have all had a nightmare when we cannot escape our predicament and even screaming is paralyzed by our fear. So when this notorious episode of Buffy was made, when people in Sunnydale have their voices stolen by a group of terrifying ghouls names the Gentlemen who cut our their hearts, we could all identify with that sense of no control and isolation. So scary, the uncut version was shown at midnight when first shown in the UK.

Orson Welles Reads The War of the Worlds

This is the audio take on the HG Wells classic, which on its transmission was so convincing; some members of the American audience fled their homes. It led to Welles himself having to apologize for what is, a breathtaking well acted and incredibly thought out adaptation of one of the best novels ever written.



Whistle and I Will Come To You

This 1968 BBC mini series about a man who finds a whistle in an East Anglian cemetery and when he blows it he is haunted in terribly sinister an affective ways. One of the only programmes or films that had left me feel chilled to the bone.

Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

The scariest thing about Orwell’s vision of the future is that the world in which he predicted has come true. CCTV? Big Brother? Technological repression. If you have read the novel, seen the film or TV adaptation then you know what I am talking about.

Aphex Twin – Come To Daddy

Without a doubt the most unsettling music video ever made. Children running around a rundown council estate all with the same sinister face, a gruesome looking man being born within himself then screaming in the face of an elderly woman. A suitable image for a song which hounds like it was forged in the depths of hell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Az_7U0-cK0

Lonely Water – Public Information Film – 1973

This dark advert of children getting themselves into dangerous situations whilst being stalked by the figure of death is unsettling. Donald Pleasance’s narration is haunting and the echoing whispered outro of “I’ll be BACK BACK BACK” last long after the advert is over. For anyone who saw it as a child in the seventies it is still memorable even to this day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZWD2sDRESk

Michael Jackson – Thriller Video- 1983

Inspired by An American Werewolf In London, this mini movie was so popular it had the power to make people stop dancing in clubs and watch it. It scared the willies out of me as a kid and the make up and sight of a dozen zombies dancing in perfect timing is impressive and scary. One of the greatest music videos ever it is a shame Jackson’s transformation became almost a metaphor for what lay ahead for him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG6oy46qKE4


So there you have it. If you are staying in on Monday night why not take a dive into the bloody waters and divulge into one of these. Remember this though – Don’t have nightmares…

Shaken Not Stirred

Of all of the long running film series out there this one has to be one of the best of all time. James Bond, whose License To Kill has been valid for nearly fifty years, has been played by six actors (in the official canon at least) starred in 22 films and counting and is one of the biggest fictional characters in the world. As he reaches his golden anniversary, I have decided to do a list of my favourite Bond films so far and have rated them by film and also the song written for the title sequence, which go together like a vodka and martini. Well I am a bloke after all, and as everybody knows we love a good list. Leave me a comment if you disagree or to do your own list.



1. Live and Let Die (1973)

Roger Moore’s first outing as 007 is his best and in my opinion still the greatest Bond film in the series. Moor excels as the smart and cool agent in a story which sees him travel to New York and investigate the murders of his fellow British agents and take on a Harlem drug lord named Mr Big. Moore’s Bond faces a struggle against gangsters and voodoo magic, not to mention fending off a snake with a homemade flamethrower. Along the way he becomes involved with Jane Seymour’s sexy mystic virgin Solitaire, who soon loses her powers after Bond has ruthlessly de-flowered her (you don’t know whether to hit him or shake his hand in some parts of this film).

Although there are some rather negative racial overtones, since the film was made during the blaxploitation era of cinema, it still stands as one of the series stronger contributions and is packed full of memorable moments, such as using alligators to cross the lake and the boat chase stunt. Also Paul McCartney and Wings wrote one the most iconic Bond songs of all. It was so good even Guns ‘N’ Roses copied it.


Film - *****
Theme Tune - *****

2. Goldfinger (1964)

Everything about this film screams iconic. It includes the super famous Aston Martin DB5 for the very first time and spawned an incredibly successful die cast toy which every man must have had as a child. It stars Honor Blackman as the equally memorable Pussy Galore (a name which has been lampooned ever since in spy spoofs) and one of the best super villains ever. Sean Connery’s third outing is a masterpiece in how an action film can grab you. Superb stunts, sex appeal, quotable dialogue and villains like Oddjob, whose hat can cut through marble, who are still imitated almost half a century after it was first made.

The theme tune sung by Shirley Bassey also oozes class, and rightly deserves the award for best 007 song. Goldfinger is the perfect example of when cast, crew and everybody else involved really put there all in and produce a masterpiece that still captivates audiences to this day.

Film - *****
Theme Tune - *****


3. Casino Royale (2006)

After the disaster that was Die Another Day, it was clear that 007 was running out of legs. So what do you do with an ailing product? Reboot it of course! By taking Bond back to before he obtained his 00 status it meant delving into the layers of the character underneath the tuxedo and discovering a more vulnerable Bond. Daniel Craig really excels in his first adventure, where he is thrown into a game of cards and betrayal, which ultimately maketh the man. The gadgets are also stripped back, although the stunts remain very impressive and the story is also a very solid one, based on the original Ian Fleming novel written so many years earlier.

However, Chris Cornell’s contribution to the soundtrack is not the strongest. It tries to hard to say ‘ look at me, I’m load and can put a hard rock sound in a Bond film’. When you try too hard it really shows and it’s probably my least favourites of the theme tunes these films have had to offer.

Film - *****
Theme Tune - **


4. On Her Majesties Secret Service (1969)

Maybe a bit of a surprise this one, possibly for many fans disliking George Lazemby’s only appearance as Bond, but they overlook just how strong the story is and that it is pivotal to the evolution of the character and a turning point in the series. In short, this is the one where Bond falls in love. Diana Rigg is gorgeous as the ill-fated wife to be Tracy Di Vicenzo and Telly Savalas makes his only appearance as Ernst Stravro Blofeld in the series.

It is also the first film in the series that really acknowledges that it is part of a continuing story, which does lead questions as to whether the Lazemby Bond is the same as Sean Connery (the egg timer in the title sequence) and sees Bond taking on SPECTRE in the Swiss alps, a fitting setting for some brilliant action scenes. Then there is the heartbreaking last scene, which gives us the first glimpse into Bond’s rather lonely life.

On the soundtrack side John Barry’s score is fantastic and gets the blood pumping. On the sweeter side, We Have All The Time In The World is one of the best songs ever written, and the terrible irony that the title and lyrics are in parallel with music legend Louis Armstrong’s health at the time. He died not too long after recording it and serves as a fitting tribute to one of music’s all time best.


5. The Living Daylights (1987)

It is a big shame that Timothy Dalton’s turn as 007 was only limited to two films. His first remains his best, set at the time when the Soviet Union was falling and the Cold War was coming to an end. Nonetheless, this entry into the series deals with a KGB agent defecting and then becoming kidnapped, leading Bond across, Morocco and the Middle East.

Dalton’s imaging of 007 is darker and more flawed than the more comedic and debonair Roger Moore, an approach that has also worked for Daniel Craig so far. However there is still time for funny moments such as escaping the Russian authorities by riding down a snowy hill in a Cello case.

For the second film running a pop band was chosen to write the theme tune. Norwegian band A-Ha does a great job with The Living Daylights, proving to be both catchy and credible.

Film - ****
Theme Tune _ ****


6. From Russia With Love (1963)

The second Bond film in the series is widely considered a fans favourite and it also is a direct follow on from Dr. No. Bond is sent to Istanbul after being told that an ex agent who has been wanted by M16 for years is willing to defect, yet only to him. Also SPECTRE are plotting to steal a decoder from the Soviets and its leader Number 1 (the first appearance of Blofeld) is also looking to exact revenge on Bond following the death of Dr. No.

The film itself is a brilliant example of early 60s filmmaking and with a strong plot and memorable moments of action it fully deserves its place in my top ten. The title song as sung by Matt Munro gives him the honour of being the first musician to sing in the titles of the series.

Film - ****
Theme Tune - ***


7. Goldeneye (1995)

After a six-year hiatus it was Pierce Brosnan’s turn to put on the gun holster in this his only entry on my list. Goldeneye is the first post Cold War Bond film and it deals with the fallout of Bond’s ex-friend and 00 agent Alec Trevelyan betraying his friend and stopping him and Russian allies from using a satellite weapon called Goldeneye on London and causing global financial meltdown. Along the way he encounters Xenia Onatopp, who can crush men in her thighs and the only survivor from Goldeneye’s attack on a bunker in Severnaya.

The film is a welcome addition to the series and to my mind is Brosnan’s finest performance as Bond, not as flawed a Dalton but with a sprinkle of Roger Moore wit and Connery’s hardman act thrown in. The story itself is not as strong as some of the entries which had dealt with the Cold War before but it does bring an end to this chapter of the Iron Curtain in the series and shows that the series was moving forward.

The song is a classy return to a more classic Bond sounding piece and Bono and The Edge captured the essence of what makes a good Bond track. Sung by Tina Turner, Goldeneye is bombastic and brings with it a hint of mid-90’s cool and slickness.

Film - ****
Theme Tune - ***


8. You Only Live Twice (1967)

Austin Powers? Spy Hard? None of these spoof would have been made if it wasn't for Sean Connery's fifth film as 007. The massive sets in a hollowed out volcano and the look of Donald PLeasance's portyral of Blofeld is quintissential with the series. Bond fakes his murder in Hong Kong so that he has more freedom to operate when investigating a stolen American spacecraft which the United States believe was taken by the Soviets.

The film is a bank holiday favourite in England and that is where my memories of watching it with my Grandparents as a child come into play. It is perhaps one of the more action orientated addition to the series but then again it is perhaps Connery's most fanatical.

Nancy Sinatra's theme tune is equally as memorable, even though it has been said that she struggled to record it. The final piece is as edited as the film itself and splised together from multiple takes. Still it deserves its place in this list.

Film - ****
Theme Tune - ***

9. Thunderball (1965)

Yet another Connery segment, proving that it is the old Bonds that are the best, and Thunderball had an awful lot to do to continue the success that was laid down by its predecessor Goldginger. Bond is given the assigment of find two NATO bombs that have been stolen by SPECTRE who this time are holding the world to ransom over £100 million in diamonds in return for bot blowing up Miami.

The gadget supplied by Q in this film are wholesomely impressive, and the Aston Martin DB5 makes its second appearance. There is also the famous pre titles sequence with the jet pack and the final scenes underwater are incredibly well shot. The film was later remade as Never Say Never Again, but lets not go into that.

Tom Jones's belting performance in the theme song is once again very typical with what has in the later day been considered as stereotypical with the genre. It was parodied by Weird Al Yankovic for the Leslie Nielsen spoof Spy Hard, as was the use of aquatic imagery in the titles sequence.

Film - ***
Theme Tune - ***


10. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

Even though it is mostly considered to be Roger Moore's best film it only just makes my top ten, narrowly beating Timothy Dalton's License To Kill to the post. Moore's third outing as Bond deals with a premise not too dissimilar to that of You Only Live Twice, only this time it is both British ans Soviet submarines which are gonig missing. The trail leads Bond to Egypt and his first encuonter with the steel teethed Jaws, who would go down as one of the most popular villians in the series history.

However, the signs that Bond was about to get a bit too silly and far out were evident here, the submarine car for example would be one small step towards the next picture, Moonraker which for my money is one of the worst 007 movies ever made. The underwater city, Atlantis, owned by comic book baddie Karl Stromberg is also a turn down the wrong road for me. No wonder the tone was darkened For Your Eyes Only which saw a more welcome return of a serious 007.

The pre titles sequence is however one of the more exhilirating and the title song, Nobody Does It Better is I think one of the best sung by Carly Simon. It is one of the less hurried of the songs used in Bond films and for it, the love song sails along to titles and stays in your head long after the film is over. About 30 years later in fact.

Film - ***
Theme Tune - ****

So there you have it, my top ten. Whats yours?

TV Nasty?

Every so often a programme comes along that becomes so notorious for is content that thousands of viewers feel compelled to complain and the story becomes front-page news. This programme is not one of those, but in this PC world it is hard to imagine it being made today. It’s contains strong gratuitous violence, murders and an ever-climbing death count every episode and it is set against the background of intergalactic terrorism. Ladies and Gentleman, I give you, Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons.

Now before I go any further, yes I know it was a children’s programme and yes it has lived in the shadow of the hugely popular Thunderbirds but then again, Captain Scarlet has been hugely successful over the past 40 years and is my favourite of the Gerry Anderson Supermarionation series of the 1960s and 1970s. When I was 5 I had every episode on video, the costume and the action figures so that I could act out my favourite episodes. This normally meant acting out a fight between two characters and throwing one out of my bedroom window to his death, or a car crash with the SPV and a Batmobile.

For those of you who have never seen this series, I’ll give you the story. In 2068 a Martian exploration vehicle for the World Security organization Spectrum discovers an alien city on the surface of Mars. Captain Black, who is in charge of the operation, misunderstands the situation when the peaceful and invisible Mysterons try to take a closer look of the men from Earth, opens fire on the city, destroying it completely. However, it turns out that the Mysterons have discovered the secret of reversing matter and the city rebuilds to the amazement of the men from Spectrum. From here on in they declare a war of nerves on the Earth and set about by killing Captain Black and turning him into their agent.

In the very same episode Captain Scarlet and Captain Brown, on their way to protect the World President whose life is being threatened by the Mysterons, die in an horrific car accident and are resurrected by their new masters. Captain Brown attempts to kill the President when it is revealed that he is a suicide bomber and Captain Scarlet is also killed by his friend Captain Blue and falls 800 feet from the Car-Vu, which is where the climactic battle is played out. Scarlet survives, and is no longer under the control of the Mysterons making him Spectrum’s prize asset in the war. This also means that he can be killed off every week and brought back fine and dandy in the next installment.

Now what I have just described to you is just the opening half hour of this colourful series. We have had suicide bombings, mass destruction and cold-blooded murder. If puppets didn’t act it out how would Captain Scarlet ever have been made? Considering just how the press went mad when Jerry Springer the Musical was transmitted and the fall out from the brilliant Brass Eye Pedophile Special, which lampooned the media’s own reaction to such controversial topics, it interests me how a children’s show which includes death and violence so often was never complained about.

Even though you clearly see these violent moments they are very graphic and did scare me a little when I was a child. In one scene Captain Black murdered a car mechanic by crushing him in the car that he was working on. Strong stuff! Fast-forward thirty years and when the BBC spy series Spooks first aired it had something very shocking in just its first episode. The character who was being billed as the female lead is tortured by terrorists in the now infamous scene in question. As her counterpart is beaten for information on the floor of a kitchen, her hand is forced into the bubbling deep fat frier by one of the madmen. Horrible I know, especially when you see her scarred arm pulled out of the fat.

Yet there was worse to come. What happens next truly shocked and sickened the viewing audience. Her head is forced into the frier, and although you don’t see her head go in, your brain fills in the gaps with something so terrifying and disturbing that it creates pictures that haunt you long after the show ends. She is eventually murdered after getting shot in the head after this, all watched by her fellow spy. One for therapy methinks! It was a publicity stunt of course and one which worked, the shows viewing figures shot up and it got people talking about it.

However, even a programme like Captain Scarlet hasn’t escaped some form of a media backlash, even if it is a surprising one. In 1993, when millions of new young fans such as myself saw the programme for the first time, a tabloid newspaper claimed that the show was racist and sexist. One of the points was that the Captain who was evil was called Black and the Colonel who was good was White!

Clearly the reporter hadn’t noticed that when it was made in 1967, it was one of the first shows to have females in a position equal to their male counterparts. The Angels, a group of female fighter pilots protect Spectrum’s headquarters Cloudbase and carry out as many dangerous missions and the Spectrum Captains. Also, the main communications officer Lieutenant Green was of ethnic origin, so Gerry Anderson should be commended not condemned for such a flawed accusation.

The other time was down to very bad timing. The show was about to enjoy another successful repeat run on BBC2 in Autumn 2001 when the events of September 11th resulted in two episodes being banned from transmission. The episodes in question were based around a hijacked passenger jet and a nuclear bomb that had been hidden in London. Despite this, Gerry Anderson remade the series as a CGI reboot, which was considerably toned down in content and in my opinion suffered as a consequence.

I missed the explosions and impressive stunts, which were accomplished by the same team that went on to supervise the stunts and special effects on films in the James Bond series. Were the incidents in real world events responsible for Anderson’s vision of the show changing? If so, it does prove the point that the incarnation of Captain Scarlet that was first transmitted in 1967 would not have been aired in this day and age. Which is a pity, because I still think that for all its gritty realism and over the top set pieces it is still something that brings back happy memories of my childhood, and something I would love to watch someday with my kids like my Dad did with me.

Spectrum Is Green!

A View To A Kill?

I'll be doing an article on childrens TV violence very soon, in the meantime, here is a music video set to one of the very best.

H

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C9llLkidG8

Doctor Who Experience Review

Here is a piece I wrote for the Celestial Toyroom in February. It is a great day out for fans new and old. Subscribe to DWAS

Hayden

Doctor Who Experience; The Trip of a Lifetime

By Hayden Gribble

WARNING SPOILERS!

Remember that dream you had when you were a kid. The one when you are lying awake in bed, your young restlessness refusing you sleep and wishing something, anything will prevent that the inevibility of school the next day. When all of a sudden, an all too familiar whooshing sound erupts in the corner of your room and a bluer than blue box materializes before your eyes. You throw back the bedsheets, gasping in awe as one of the doors creaks into life and bursts open revealing a universe of wonder inside. Not to mention a strange looking man who promises to show you all the wonders you could ever imagine and who has more magic in his eyes than Christmas Day.

What we would give for a trip in the TARDIS, an adventure through time and space and the chance to celebrate our favourite programme in the world. Well now dig deep for that inner child inside of you and get yourself to Olympia and join the adventure first hand. As soon as I heard the plans for the new Doctor Who Experience I thought it was a fantastic idea and one that filled me with excitement. The 10 year-old inside me was screaming to get out and have a once in a lifetime adventure inside the TARDIS.

So with the new exhibition barely a few days old I leave my house bound for Olympia armed with my tickets and a friend of equal love for Doctor Who, both boiling over with the anticipation of a memorable day. Not even the dark clouds and moist February air could dampen our spirits as we set off at the crack of dawn on that gloomy Saturday morning.

After a trek across London, our final destination was Kensington Olympia and we were greeted with more rain and a queue the size of the station itself. I couldn’t believe it. Here we were sodden and tired and we had to participate in the most British of past times. Waiting. Luckily for us, this was the line to see Who Do You Think You Are? Live and the queue for the Experience was far more modest but still none the less impressive. I do have to pinch myself at just how successful the show has become since its hiatus.

Before we know it we are sheltering indoors waiting to enter the main Experience. To the left of me is one of Bracewell’s ironside Daleks, to the right, Liz 10’ costume and mask and that of one of the winders stand proudly to attention as the Doctor’s Theme booms around us. Small Children wait eagerly in bow ties and Fezzes, wielding their sonic screwdrivers whilst counting down to what they have been waiting for all week. Apart of me wishes I was that age again, looking through fresh eyes instead of my dark bags from a late night the night before.

We are invited by the guides to sit on the benches and watch a sort of highlights package from the last series with added narration from Doctor 11, which culminates with the crack in the universe opening the screen, to reveal another world.

Then all of a sudden, the crack opens and we are standing on the Starship UK, where we are greeted by a strangely lifelike and eerie hologram of an information post like the one seen in Silence In The Library/Forrest Of The Dead talking us through the many artifacts in the room. It’s a what’s what of Doctor Who memorabilia, including the telescope from Tooth and Claw, a Smiler, Rosanna’s throne from The Vampires Of Venice and Van Gogh’s painting of the exploding TARDIS. Hard to believe the exhibition bit hadn’t even started yet! All of a sudden an incoming alert disrupts the scary face to reveal the Doctor i.e. Matt Smith trapped in the Pandorica 2 dismaying that instead of finding Amy and Rory he has to rely on us ‘shoppers’ to get him out.

Then before we know it, that old familiar whooshing sound engulfs the airwaves and the TARDIS materializes before our eyes (well everyone elses since I was looking the wrong way). Then I hear the magic words. “Everybody Inside, Quickly!” The stuff of dreams is now reality and I’m running with everyone on board. It isn’t the real interior, but it is a very faithful, if not slightly smaller realization. As the Doctor beckons the children to pilot, the floor shakes and moves and we are off. We really are apart of the adventure. We are off to rescue the Doctor, until a black hole disrupts the journey and we are captured by Daleks. Ah. Whoops.

A run through some very typical Sci-Fi corridors leads us to something truly terrifying indeed. A Dalek Saucer.

At this moment I can feel my friends fingernails digging into my arm as we await our imminent slaughter to the new Dalek Paradigm. Three of the new Jelly Baby Daleks emerge from the shadows to all give us a lump in our throats. But we are saved by an attack by Davro’s Daleks and once again we are running for our lives. The frights are not over yet. For the Weeping Angels await us in the dark.

Although the Angels were kept in the dark this made for a truly chilling part of the experience as the expectation for them to jump out at us built and built. The tension soon subsided as we survived the forest and stood in a chamber with only a dismembered Cyberman arm and the Pandorica for company. Now here was came the Hi-Tech bit. Armed with 3-D glasses, the Doctor was free from the Pandorica (how I don’t recall as it seemed slightly baffling and definitely wibbley wobbly timey wimey) and we were being sucked into the crack and the monsters were coming to get us. As we watched we saw bolts from the Cybermen’s guns blaze towards us, a Daleks sink plunger nearly bop us on the nose and a Weeping Angel clawing at your eyes every time you blinked, which is something I have heard you shouldn’t do.

Whilst all of this is happening I have been oblivious to the Doctor’s attempts to save us on the screen to my left and the monsters hurtle way from us quicker than they did towards us and the crack finally seals. The adventure is over. The Doctor says goodbye, but the Experience is not over.

The exhibits were as extraordinary as they were interesting and insightful. At first there seemed too much to see, as I had later thought I had missed parts out. The Radiotimes front covers, starting from William Hartnell’s Marco Polo debut to the latest Matt Smith cover plastered the walls leading to the pieces of Who History. And then there they are, all ten of the previous incarnations costumes lovingly semi-circling the current TARDIS prop and a realistic waxwork of Matt Smith, complete with sonic screwdriver.

I asked the attendant if these were really what the great men wore, to which he replied mostly, although I am saddened to report that William Hartnell’s wig, Patrick Troughton’s recorder and Sylvester McCoy’s trademark umbrella were sadly absent. Thank god for Tom Baker’s god like scarf and the fresh stick of celery in Peter Davison’s lapel, the former something religious sects in a thousand years will worship like the Turin Shroud. One grumble though, where was Bessie!

To me the older parts of the exhibition the most impressive such as Bernard Bresslaw’s restored Ice Warrior costume, Robot K-1 in all its metallic splendour, and a Sontaran whose eyes seemed to follow you around the room. Maybe it was because I had previously visited the Earls Court event three years previously that I did not find the latest monsters on display as exciting to see, but then again in twenty years time I might go mad at the sight of an Ood or two.

Another highlight were the staggering inclusions of Peter Davison’s console room and the coral console room from Mr.’s Eccleston and Tennant’s reign, accompanied by a clip of the the latter’s violent regeneration. Unfortnately for us fans both of the consoles are sealed off so we can’t touch them but still, I’ve stood on the TARDIS set! One dream fulfilled then.

Then there are the costumes for each and every companion since the show’s return in 2005. Apart from Mickey and Wilf, who have been surprisingly excluded from the collection, even Kylie Minogue’s tiny dress from Voyage Of The Damned is held aloft with the K-9 prop thrown in for deserved measure. Even the 1980’s TRADIS prop and the Melkur hover in the corner of the room, although somewhat hidden in the dark.

They are all here. The stuff of nightmares I mentioned earlier. What a funny feeling to be standing next to these fictional giants who have frightened children of many generations into their Mother’s bosom and feel totally in awe yet wary that when your wits are missing, they may still come and get you. Decapitated heads of every model of Cybermen we have seen sit in spooky cubby holes, a line of Daleks through the ages poised on the command of a likeness of Davros and a cubby hole where you can move like a monster, design one for Doctor Who Adventures or make a noise like a Dalek, this experience ticks every box for every fan. There is even a recreation of the Mill’s Visual Effects Office, which sadly the non-fans in the audience found to be rather pointless, but I found an insightful nugget into how the show is made.

Headphones provide you the chance to mix that everlasting them tune yourself and there is even a tribute to Delia Derbyshire in the form of a documentary presented by music man Stuart Maconie in a booth entitled ‘The Sound of Doctor Who’ which was an affectionate storytelling device to inform the younger fans of how the theme tune was created. Time will only tell if a tribute to the one and only Nicholas Courtney will also be included after ‘The Brig’ sadly passed away just a couple of days before we visited Olympia. Splendid Chap.

After a chance for a picture in the Pandorica chair (for an extra cost) and a glimpse of the next series on a flat screen (which looks brilliant I must say!) the Experience ends with a visit to The Who Shop, which was quite dear and made my eyes water a little. Apart from that, I left the Experience with a smile on my face and a memory placed in my minds eye forever by the Doctor and those strange, strange creatures. This is an opportunity not to be missed and I hope I haven’t spoilt it for you if you have not gone yet, just wet your appetite a little. You’ll Love it.

Epilogue to Unfinished Story

Here is an epilogue to a story I wish to finish one day, enjoy!

Omelus had a strange purple sun, which glistened in the pink night sky as it set on the shores of the citadel. The sight of eagle-like Selgaes whistling past the rooftop of the building was enough to take the breath away of any hardened traveler. As the lone, deflated figure of an unknown warrior stared up into the emerging stars, each one looking like diamonds of hope breaking through the darkness, he wondered how he came to be on this beautiful yet imprisoning planet.

He and his comrade had seen it all, planets made entirely of water and fire and Demons who had pursued them across the universe and who had left them helplessly lost millions of millions of miles away from their Galaxy. The splendor of his surroundings escaped his troubled mind. All he could think about was the same problems he had faced since that fateful day so long ago now. What made him stowaway? What was that green gas? And were both he and his companion so hideously mutated that even if they did get home, then how would they be treated when they got back? Like freaks? Or were they an example of what their kind would eventually become. Like those, who kept them and owned them. Like pets.

The figure inhaled deeply. So many questions, how to answer them. He closed his eyes and dreamed of the simple life he once led. He had been well treated back home. Clean bedding, food and water but was never given the chance to escape his glass house and venture out into the world of blue skies and green grass. Now he just wished he had stayed there and never, ever let his quizzical mind implore him to escape and leave the comfort zone we all call home. Thank god, he thought, he was not alone.

Moments later, he heard foot steps approach him from behind. The footsteps were stumbling, as if the owner was in a great deal of pain. The sound of his paws dragging into the dust on the rooftop was like the sound of nails down a blackboard, it filled him with agony. After a few steps the second creature paused and steadied himself as he drew a tortured breath.
‘ Do you reckon they are gone for good?’
‘I can’t say’, replied the first creature in his scouse accent, who could not turn around to confront his friend, ‘But we shouldn’t have come here, all this traveling and what for?’
The second creature moved slowly forward and placed his paw reassuringly on his companion’s shoulder. The recipient winced, as if his paw was sandpaper rubbed against an open wound.
‘We have come too far to turn back, even if we hadn’t been ambushed on this strange planet, we probably would still have been drifting lost, maybe it is time we found ourselves a new home’, his tone was reassuring but just as scared as the other creature.
The first creature turned to meet his companion, and as their eyes met, they filled with lonely tears. It was just them, there was nobody else like them anywhere in the cosmos, and they had to survive, but could never turn back.
What he was about to say was just heartbreaking as it was Impossible.
‘I just want to go home”.

I'M BACK

Hello Bloggers, I'm back. It's been a while I know, sorry about that. I have been writing every month for the Doctor Who magazine, Celestial Toyroom and working full time but from now on normal service is being resumed.

Just to let you know where I am with things. I'm currently in the process of writing two stories, one I am co-writing and the other I'm just beginning to write. I will let you know how I'm getting on in the coming weeks/months/years.

Furthermore, some of the best articles I have written during my hiatus on here will be reposted through blogspot. In the meantime, here is a picture of me with a cheesy thmubs up.

Till the next time

The Greatest Album You Have Never Heard

Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea- 1998

Ah the classic album, the once proud and great tradition of going into your local record shop and buying a big flat vinyl offering of an hour of quality music. Unfortunately the album, like vinyl records themselves, are a dying breed, whilst downloading is instant and don’t take up any space (apart from on your hard drive) and the once great art of the classic album is withering away in the sand dunes of time.



Think to yourself of some of the greatest albums you have ever heard and the same names keep coming up. The Beatles? Oasis? Nirvana? Limp Bizkit and The Chocolate Starfish In Hot Dog Flavoured Water? Well okay maybe not the last one, but there is one band by one album that is sorely missed off anyone’s list. And you have probably never heard of them.



Neutral Milk Hotel’s second album ‘In The Aeroplane Over The Sea’ can be summed up in one word, masterpiece. It’s up there with the all time greats of modern music, a story of one man’s obsession with the tragic Anne Frank, the little Jewish girl who hid for her life while all the horror of the Second World War unfolded around her.



NMH’s main man, Jeff Mangum, is a genius. His songs are filled to the brim with melancholy and inspiring lyrics, some which are slightly cryptic and require delving into, while others portray raw emotion as naked as the day we are born.



It was clear that after the 1996 debut album ‘On Avery Island’, that NMH were destined for great things, even if they never received the commercial success they truly deserved. Record Conpany Elephant 6 gave NMH, and master of ceremonies and Mangum in particular a free rein and both he and his band took full advantage. Just listen closely to what you are hearing when you put the record on. Mangum, like his peers Elliott Smith and Jeff Buckley, wears his heart on his sleeve but keeps his hands in his pockets, allowing you in but imploring you to look closer at the bigger picture and not to get too close.



The album opens with King Of Carrot Flowers Pt 1, a simple yet very satisfying opener which tells the short story of an unhappy family of which the parents will do anything to escape, while their teenage child experiences sexual contact for the very first time. The lyrics ‘as we would lay and learn what each others bodies were for’ and ‘from above you I sank into your soul, into that secret place where no one dares to go’ depicts the tentative exploration of a couples first time and also acts as a metaphor to a persons inner psyche and opening up in more ways than one. For a song that just scrapes the two-minute mark, ‘Carrot Flowers Pt 1’ delves very deep indeed.



After parts two and three of the first song drown out, the title song is definately one of the highlights. This is where tribute to Ms Frank is really laid bare and Mangum encourages the listener to live in the moment because there are things in life that can end it so suddenly. ‘And one day we will die and our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea, but for now we are young let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see, love to be, in the arms of all I’m keeping here with me’.



Another notable highpoint of the album comes after the brass interlude in the form of ‘Holland 1945’. Never has such a linear story been told so fast yet so complete, with the starkness of war imagery and life after death and playing piano’s filled with flames explaining Mangum’s passion through music for such a destructive time.



The epic ‘Oh Comely’ is a battle, a duel between the simple acoustic strumming and the strong, rough vocal chords of Mangum and the graphic, almost uncomfortable lyrics depicting a cheating father and a yearn to have saved Anne Frank ‘in some sort of time machine’.



Aeroplane’s finale ‘Two Headed Boy Pt 2’ is an exceptional piece of music and this is where Mangum, who sounds as if he is wrestling with his emotions throughout the track, lays the agony of love and loss bare. The lyric ‘God is a place where some holy spectacle lies’ is better than anything Lennon and McCartney ever wrote and its such a shame that this was NMH’ last album because Mangum would now be known as well as they are. But maybe that was the point, his star shone brightly for a short space of time and this makes him more special than some of those we as music fans have grown tired of over the years.



What happened next is as much a disappointment as it is important to ‘Aeroplane’s cult status. Mangum, burnt out and tired of the music business, turned his back on the big time just as it looked as if he had made it, by turning down an offer from REM to support them on tour and soon after NMH disbanded, with Mangum making a final solo appearance in early 1999. It would be nearly ten years until he would perform any NMH material live again, at the Elephant 6 birthday tour in 2008.



Sometimes songs like those on ‘Aeroplane’ are designed to be music for the brave. It is an emotional roller coaster of poignant love songs written to an icon of a time gone by, when the world was breaking all around her and finding beauty is the worst of situations. It is easy listening to some, but to others can be exhausting to listen to and not the ideal choice for those who prefer the more commercial offerings spin-doctors like Simon Cowell peddle onto our airwaves day after day which is a shame as soon I am sure most people will look like a reject from a bad Skins audition, wearing pink tank tops borrowed from your sister and going to Lady Gaga concerts.



If you have never listened to Neutral Milk Hotel’s masterpiece I encourage you to do so. You won’t regret it.